Monthly Archives: October 2009

Mike Fisher Can’t Wait to Go Trick Or Treating After Game

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Mike Fisher proudly showing off his costume

Ever since learning that his teams game on Halloween was a 2:00 day game, Mike Fisher of the Ottawa Senators has done nothing but describe how thrilled he is to be able to go trick or treating after the game . “Oh man its great, now I get to go trick or treating with Carrie,” said Fisher who is currently dating country music superstar Carrie Underwood. “I am gonna go as the guy from Twilight and she is going as Jessica Simpson. Just think about it, when people see that she is Jessica Simpson they will automatically think I am Tony Romo, but then once they see my pale skin, cool hair, and fangs they will be like “wait a second its not Tony Romo, its the guy from Twilight, holy fuck didn’t see that one coming.” Trust me its gonna be so sick.  And the best part about it is that Carrie already told me that I am way better looking than the Twilight guy, and she is clearly hotter than J-Simps, so its almost like we are going as the ultimate super couple but hotter. Oh man I can’t wait to see all those shocked faces when they see that I’m not supposed to be Tony Romo, they’ll probably be so stunned that they will just faint. Think about it, Carrie walks up to to the door dressed as Jessica Simpson and then you see me coming and you’re like “oh great here comes another Tony Romo, how original…” but then I get a little closer and all of a sudden you’re like “what the fuck its not Tony Romo, its Edward from Twilight, thats fucking crazy.”  I’m getting so jacked just thinking about it. Halloween 09 here I come.

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Colorado Avalanche Players Getting A Little Carried Away With Comparison to Real Avalanche

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Ever since analyst Keith Jones said that their start to the season has reminded him of a real Avalanche, Avs players have started to take the comparison a little too seriously.  “Holy shit, did you see how we came down the mountain with power and fury and crushed our opponents?” asked captain Adam Foote as he addressed the team following their 3-2 win over the Calgary Flames Wednesday night. “The way we are playing reminds me of an Avalanche that killed 12 people in France  a few years ago. One second you’re skiing and having a great time and then next thing you know you are covered by a thick blanket of snow with no chance of survival.” First year head coach Joe Sacco reverberated those comments when asked what he thought was the key to the club’s surprising start. “Our offense has been good, almost Avalanche-scary good, but I think the real keys have been the defence and in goal. Our defence and goaltending have smothered the opposition by completely cutting off their air supply and giving them no chance to breath, and when we are at our absolute best you can even hear the crushing of their bones before the pressure causes their entire body to explode.” 

Colorado’s next game comes tonight when they make the trip to San Jose to take on the Sharks, and when asked about the prospects of taking on Sharks tough guy Jody Shelley, Avs enforcer David Koci said “Once I start picking up speed and power as I come rushing down the mountain side, there will be no chance for him to defend himself. He will be helpless underneath my massive frame and left to die a long and horribly painful death.”

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Snipe of the Year

If there is a guy with a better shot in the NHL than Alex Semin I’d like to know who it is. I used to to think Kovalchuk had the best release but i’ve changed my mind. The way Emery barely even moved his glove before the puck was in the net is like the equivalent of a guy getting blown away by a 100 MPH fastball. Check out this shot that turned out to be the game winner in a thriller between the Capitals and the Flyers last night.

***Little tip for Bruce Boudreau. You might wanna quit trying to find balance and just leave the Backstrom/Ovechkin/Semin line together because it is probably one of the best lines in the history of hockey.

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Lee Stempniak Wonders Why No One Else Is Pouring Champagne

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Moments after the Toronto Maple Leafs 6-3 victory over the Anaheim Ducks, Leafs forward Lee Stempniak could be seen grabbing several bottles of champagne from his locker and spraying them over his head and the heads of his unsuspecting teammates. “I’ve had those babies in my locker for a while now and they are aged to perfection so why not?” said Stempniak as he poured a full bottle on a suit wearing Tomas Kaberle. “I figure that this is probably gonna be the biggest win we have all year and I saw how much fun it looked for the Yankees last night, so I wanted to get the same thing going up in here. I’ve got my rain-proof poncho, my swim goggles and I’m ready to keep this party going all night long baby WOOHOO!”

“I have no idea whats gotten into Stemper. We’re glad we finally got the monkey off our back and everything but he’s really going crazy with it”, said Leafs defencemen Mike Komisarek as he tried to fend off the ambushing Stempniak. Moments later Stempniak could be heard shouting “We did it man, we did It!” as he poured the bubbly beverage into the face of goaltender Jonas Gustavsson. The Leafs goalie could later be seen screaming in pain because of some champagne that got into his eyes, while a visibly upset Brian Burke left the arena soaking wet.

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Pierre McGuire Comments on His Sex Life

In another DKM exclusive report, we were able to sit down with one of Canada’s most polarizing sports figures, Pierre McGuire. While many look forward to Pierre’s energetic and frenetic broadcasts, there is a contingent of haters out there. I’m hoping that these negative opinions of Pierre are not rigidly set, and may change after getting to know Pierre on a different, non-hockey level. That’s true, hockey doesn’t permeate every aspect of his life; the man loves to bone his wife, Melanie.

A rare photo where both Pierre and Melanie appear fully clothed

Now, while I did mention above that the game of hockey doesn’t necessarily end up in his bedroom, the familiar McGuirean intensity sure as hell does. I sat down to interview Pierre last Friday night after he completed a particularly hardcore boning session. A true professional, McGuire came across with energetic answers. Here’s the interview:

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Slovenian National Team Still Needs 17 More Players

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Slovenian born winger Anze Kopitar of the Los Angeles has gotten off to a blazing start this year as he currently leads the NHL in scoring, and has all but secured hismelf a spot on his country’s national team. Kopitar is the only Slovenian to ever be drafted and play in the NHL but with his recent success there is the hope that there will be more Slovenian’s who would like to play hockey and perhaps come up with 17 more players required to complete a full team. “If we could just find a few more guys who would be willing to sacrifice their time to learn some of the basic skills of hockey such as getting dressed, tieing skates and of course skating, then I think we would really be moving in the right direction,” said Kopitar who was recently named the NHL’s first star of the week. “2010 might be a longshot for us but once we have a full team, look out, Slovenia is really gonna start to make some noise on the international scene.” Aside from his captaincy, Kopitar is also expected to be named President, General Manager and Head Coach of the team.

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Marc-Andre Bergeron Claims He Was Hit By Gordie Howe

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After suffering a likely concussion on a devastating check from Colby Armstrong of the Atlanta Thrashers, Montreal defensemen Marc-Andre Bergeron was questionably allowed to return to the ice in Tuesday night’s game between the Thrashers and Canadiens. Minutes after the blow that left Bergeron in a semi-conscious state, the blue-liner identified 81 year old hockey legend Gordie Howe as the culprit. “Man, I didn’t even see Gordie coming. The old man’s still got it,” proclaimed Bergeron as team doctors checked his status. “The last thing I remember is going back to get the puck behind our net and then out of the corner of my eye I see big old #9 with those famous elbows of his coming at me, and boom everything went black.” Even though Howe played his last NHL game in 1971 and is now a longtime grandfather, Montreal doctors cleared Bergeron to play and told him he looked “good to go.”

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