Patrick Kane’s Mullet Guarantees Series Victory

The Mullet: "We Will Win"

Much like Mark Messier’s guaranteed victory over the New Jersey Devils in game 6 of the 1994 Eastern Conference Finals, Patrick Kane’s Mullet added another chapter to the book of bold predictions by guaranteeing that his Chicago Blackhawks will defeat the Flyers and capture the franchise’s first Stanley Cup since 1961. “We’re gonna win. Write it down, stamp it, send it to the Flyers dressing room, I don’t care what you do. Thats just how confident I am,” said the Mullet, as it flowed down the back of Hawks sniper Patrick Kane’s head.

Stanley Cup Finals: Keys to the Matchup

Chicago Blackhawks:

• Make sure to get a lot of shots on Flyers goalie Michael Leighton because he probably isn’t really any good
• Gain the supprt of the southern States by showing them pictures of Patrick Kane’s mullet
• Try to ignore the fact that Marian Hossa has been on the losing team in two straight Stanley Cup Finals
• Playoff mustache’s are cool, but not on Joel Quenneville
• Trick one of the Flyers players into picking up Patrick Kane in a Taxi
• Since they haven’t won a Cup since 1961, they should probably try really hard to win this time

 

Philadelphia Flyers

• Make sure to get a lot of shots on Hawks goalie Antti Niemi because he probably isn’t really any good
• Don’t let Dustin Byfuglien get close to the net because he can dunk
• Chris Pronger seems to be pretty good so they should put him out a lot
• Have Flyers legend Bobby Clarke give a two hour demonstration on slashing, spearing, cross-checking, elbowing, checking from behind, butt-ending, kicking, and head-butting
• Either way, try to get the series over fast so that no one has to see Scott Hartnell anymore
• If the team happens to lose, just do what any good Philadelphian does; blame Donovan Mcnabb

Canadiens Eliminate Penguins; Carey Price Pissed Off

The Montreal Canadiens celebrate their Game 7 victory over the Pittsburgh Penguins

The Montreal Canadiens continued their playoff run with yet another upset victory, this time knocking off the defending champion Pittsburgh Penguins in seven games.  This has been the cause of much excitement and celebration, both for the players on the team and the fans in Montreal.  However, DKM has learned that the magical playoff run has upset at least one player, backup goaltender Carey Price.

Pittsburgh Penguins Think It Might Be Time To Start Trying

The defending Stanley Cup Champion Pittsburgh Penguins find themselves in an unexpected elimination game tonight when they host the Montreal Canadiens in game 7 of their Eastern Conference semi-final series. The Pens, who were heavy favourites coming into the series, failed to close out the upstart Habs in game 6 and now face an anything-can-happen, winner-take-all game against the Habs. Following their defeat in game 6 at the Bell Centre, Pittsburgh players admitted that now that the series is going seven games they might just have to start taking the opposition seriously.

Sami Salo’s Wife Files Lawsuit Against the Chicago Blackhawks

The wife of Canucks defenseman Sami Salo filed a lawsuit today against the Chicago Blackhawks hockey club. Salo left last night’s game after blocking a Duncan Keith slapshot, an injury that was later diagnosed as a ruptured testicle. Today, Salo’s wife released a statement citing how she intends to sue the Blackhawks organization on the grounds of her husband not being able to have sex with her for however long it will take the injury to heal.

Mike Babcock: “Chevy Needs To Step Up”

After his team was defeated 4-3 in overtime and fell behind 3-0 in their series against the San Jose Sharks, Red Wings head coach Mike Babcock seemed confused and disoriented as he explained to reporters that Tim Cheveldae needs to step up his play in the series.  “Our goaltending has really let us down in this series. That third goal by Couture tonight is one that Chevy needs to save,” said Babcock referring to the early 90’s Wings goaltender who spent six uninspiring seasons in Detroit.

Marco Sturm Looking For Attention

Generic picture of generic Boston Bruins' forward, Marco Sturm

Boston Bruins’ forward Marco Sturm tried to get some headlines in the series opener against the Philadelphia Flyers by tearing the ACL and MCL in his right knee.  Sturm is projected to be out for about 6 months, so needless to say his playoffs are done.  However, Sturm’s injury has been overshadowed by injuries to better players on other teams, and the return of Marc Savard on his own team.  Unfortunately, this has left Sturm very bitter and jealous about losing out on making the headlines that he has craved for so long.