The Montreal Canadiens continued their playoff run with yet another upset victory, this time knocking off the defending champion Pittsburgh Penguins in seven games. This has been the cause of much excitement and celebration, both for the players on the team and the fans in Montreal. However, DKM has learned that the magical playoff run has upset at least one player, backup goaltender Carey Price.
Price, the Canadiens’ party boy extraordinaire, has ensured that his playing schedule was always wrapped up by the May 24 Victoria Day weekend. Considered a party weekend by many Canadian citizens, Price has partaken in May two-four festivities since he was 14. However, this time around, Price will be forced to accompany his teammates as they compete in the Eastern Conference finals against the winner of the Philadelphia Flyers / Boston Bruins series.
“It sucks,” lamented Price. “My boys and I were going to head to the cottage this weekend, clean it up a little bit and stock up on the beer. I already sent out the Event invites on Facebook, so now a whole lot of people are going to be pissed. Pittsburgh just didn’t feel like going deep again, I guess. Fuck.”
Price had also arranged for a bevy of strippers, hookers, and (in his terms) “high school sluts” from the towns and cities around his cottage in Williams Lake, BC. “Seriously, I went through a lot of time and expense evaluating which of these broads I should bring out to the bash. All that time you saw me on the bench this year, I was working hard to choose only the hottest ass I could find. If Halak has been good for anything, it’s been nice having those extra few hours every game day to get some work done.”
However, Price resents Halak’s play this postseason. “He’s totally fucked everything up,” Price seethed. “I had a fucking system in place down pat. I got us into the playoffs each year, so these Montreal fans wouldn’t get their panties all twisted. But you see, I was smart about it. I made sure that we made it at least to the second round the year we finished first in the East, so the upset wasn’t THAT huge. Then last year we were 8th, so I just shut ‘er down in the first round right away.”
“That fucking idiot Halak should realize that these French fucks would’ve been more than happy with an upset over Washington. He accomplishes nothing by beating anyone else.”
Price admits that he was frustrated on the bench as a backup, realizing he was powerless to put Pittsburgh through in the decisive Game 7. “It was agonizing,” Price admitted. “I was praying for an injury, hoping that big retard Kunitz would run Halak over or something. I would’ve come in and killed it, given Crosby a hat trick, and popped the champagne to toast the end of our season.”
Price shrugged off the notion that he simply isn’t good enough to carry the Canadiens deep into the playoffs as a number one goalie. “That’s ludicrous. We lose because I choose to lose. World Junior tournament, remember that? No bigger pressure than playing net for Canada in that, and I believe I led us to the gold. Why? Because the final was after New Years, so there wasn’t any killer parties to worry about. The NHL playoffs coincide with my cottage party each spring, and I just can’t have that.”
Canadiens’ head coach Jacques Martin says that he isn’t shocked hearing this about Price. “Hit’s nothing surprising to ‘ear hat hall, coming from Carey. Hevery practice ‘e can get the shutout, because ‘e his just so talented. But I ‘eard habout the partying, so I knew Carey cannot be reliable.”
Veteran defenceman Hal Gill expressed little interest in Price’s party. “I mean, most of us vets have families, and realize that this is our profession. Using our money and fame to organize parties, particularly those that coincide with the most important time of our season, is just juvenile and immature.”
“I know Carey is just 22 or whatever,” Gill continued. “But the fact of the matter is that this is his third season as an NHL goaltender. He is a professional athlete. I take a lot of pride in showing up to work each day, and grinding out the postseason, and am willing to sacrifice my body just for that chance to be a champion. I don’t think Carey understands that.”
Price shrugs off comments made by veterans like Gill. “That’s why those jerks aren’t invited,” Price spat. “Those dinosaurs are just pussy-whipped now. If they weren’t married and still had possession of their balls, then I guarantee they’d be first in line. But that’s fine, we got a good group of young guys ready to fuckin’ give’r.”
Sergei Kostitsyn is one of those “young guys,” and he was disappointed that the Canadiens’ playoff success would be interfering with Price’s party. “It now is one thing every year,” Kostitsyn explained. “But now Jaro (Halak) has come to the town, and the hockey still happens. Hockey can’t happen to the party, but this year, I guess so.”
“I am having the fucking madness at Jaro for this.”
At the time this article was published, Price was trying to figure out a way to still arrange a party for his teammates after the season. “It would be a lot more fucking convenient if I knew when that would be though. Hookers have crazy schedules and you just have to book in advance”
“I just want to get fucked up, and see P.K.’s giant-ass dick swingin’ around.”