Monthly Archives: April 2011

Richard Park’s Conference Semi-Final Predictions

 

Back by popular demand long-time DKM contributor Richard Park has once again taken his time to weigh in on the Stanley Cup Playoffs with his second-round playoff predictions. Although Richard spent the past season playing in Switzerland, the end of his season meant that he could return home and enjoy some NHL playoff action and after a hotly contested round 1, here is who he likes to move on to the conference finals:

(1) Vancouver vs. (5) Nashville

Orrr roww it is so gleat to be back pledicting these exciting NHL prayoffs! I pray in Switzerand this year but I stirr vely much rove NHL hockey. Vancouvel finarry defeated their rong time rivars Chicago Brackhawks and now rook to be vely vely hungly. They are arways smiring and praying loose styre of hockey and now that Ruongo shake off his Brackhawk brues they most definitery have an advantage. Big giant Rinne is rike dinosaurrr in net for the Pledators but he cannot stop the jorry twins Danier and Henlik.  Vanouver in 5

(2) San Jose vs. (3) Detroit

This is rematch of rast years series when the Shawwks beat the Led Wings in 5 games. This going to be a vely vely crose series and is vely hawwwd to call. Home ice advantage will be big key for Shawwwks but they must be carefur for Paver Datsyuk. He is one of the vely best prayers in the league and is arways rooking for rots and rots of goars. Dougrass Murray must try his vely hawwwwwwwwwwwwwwdest to stop him. He rooks rike a giant neanderthar man from such a rong time ago. Sharks in 7 Continue reading

Advertisements

3 Comments

Filed under The Bench Boss

What Are the Detroit Red Wings Doing With Their Time Off?

As the only team to sweep their first round playoff opponent the Detroit Red Wings have been off since the 20th of April and won’t play again until the second-round gets under way next weekend. With all that time off DKM wondered just what exactly the players have been doing during their lengthy lay-off:

Niklas Lidstrom: “Got nominated for another Norris Trophy, the usual. I can’t even count how many times I’ve won that trophy. Hockey is too easy for me. I’m bored”

Jimmy Howard: “Picked the mind of Chris Osgood to find out what it is like to be a sub-par goalie on a dominant team”

Henrik Zetterberg: “The boys did pretty good without me but I’m really hoping to get back in the lineup. The extra time I’ve had with my wife hasn’t exactly gone as planned….Maybe we rushed into things, you know? Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under The Bench Boss

Dave Bolland Attributes Big Night To Post-Concussion “Powers”

After being out of the lineup for the past five weeks, Blackhawks forward Dave Bolland returned in a big way as he scored a goal and added three helpers in his first game since suffering a concussion. Bolland had continued to experience post-concussion symptons keeping him out of the the first three games of Chicago’s opening-round series with Vancouver but was cleared to play last night, powering the Hawks to a 7-2 win to keep them alive for atleast one more game. Following the game, Bolland was asked how he thought he was able to do what he did in his first game since what was a very significant injury and the Mimico, Ontario native replied by saying that he felt he had what he described as “post-concussion powers.” Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under The Bench Boss

Even Phoenix Coyotes Wondering How They Were Allowed In Playoffs

 

After a game 3 loss which now has the Coyotes trailing three games to none in their Western conference quarter-final series with Detroit, both clubs have begun to wonder just how the Phoenix Coyotes made the playoffs. “Wow that was easy, again,” sighed Wings forward Darren Helm. “Like seriously, who the hell let these guys into the playoffs? It must be a joke right, like an April fools joke? They might as well have had us play Columbus or Edmonton, they probably would have been better than these guys.”

The Coyotes, who have been badly outplayed through the first three games against Detroit having held a lead just once in the series, admit that they too aren’t really sure what happened to earn themselves a berth in the post-season. “I honestly have no clue how on earth we got in,” said veteran blue-liner Ed Jovanovski. “I know we finished sixth-place in the regular season standings but that was just a total fluke. I didn’t think that the league would actually let us play in the playoffs. I thought they were smart enough to know how bad we really were.” Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under The Bench Boss

Pittsburgh vs Tampa Bay: Keys to the Matchup

Pittsburgh:

  • Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin being out gives other players a chance to step up. Guys like Jordan Staal and….
  • Limit the lethal Lightning power play by refusing to put a player in the box after being penalized
  • Kick a soccer ball around before the game because that seems like the cool thing to do these days
  • You don’t wanna rush Sidney Crosby into playing if he’s not 100% healthy, but if he’s 30% healthy then I guess thats close enough

Tampa Bay:

  • Keep Steven Stamkos out of the Florida sun, he doesn’t look like he would tan well
  • Guy Boucher might be a rookie head coach in the NHL, but he is very good at telling which players to go on the ice
  • Is it really that big of a deal if Tampa tries to put two goalies in at once?
  • Martin St. Louis seems to do just fine using a stick that is too long for him. The other players should stop being babies and try it too.

Leave a comment

Filed under The Bench Boss

Boston vs Montreal: Keys to the Matchup

Boston:

  • Utilize their size advantage by bullying the Montreal players and making up mean rumours about them
  • Try to get out to a 3-0 series lead; the safest lead in hockey
  • Tim Thomas moved way too fast last time. He should wait to see if Carey will ask him to the dance this time
  • Time for Zdeno Chara to bring out his secret weapon: smashing people into random pieces of glass that stick out unexpectedly

Montreal:

  • Montreal’s small forwards should mix things up by hiding on the ice and crawling between the Bruins legs
  • Keep the Montreal fans into the game but not getting beat up so much
  • Tomas Plekanec take off that fucking turtleneck
  • If racing toward the puck with Zdeno Chara just slowly back up and kindly say “here you you go big fella, you can have it”

Leave a comment

Filed under The Bench Boss

Philadelphia vs Buffalo: Keys to the Matchup

Philadelphia:

  • Use the anger and hostility of Philadelphia sports fans as motivation because they will be right pissed if you lose
  • Flyers broadcasters should stop saying Claude Giroux has “silky smooth hands” as it is starting to make some of the other guys on the team a little uncomfortable
  • For the love of god someone tell Scott Hartnell that the long, red, rat-nested look is out
  • Unlike last year when the Flyers were underdogs in the playoffs, they are now the favorites so they should take advantage of the oppurtunity to walk around with a smug sense of entitlement

Buffalo:

  • After missing the playoffs last year the Sabres are back in. This might not sound exciting for a lot of other cities but for Buffalo its huge
  • Jhonas Enroth played well in relief of the injured Ryan Miller but now its time to get back to what he does best: sitting far away from everyone else and looking lonely wearing a baseball cap
  • A hat-trick never hurt anyone before…I’m looking at you Drew Stafford
  • Name a new team captain. Without one they will be lost, disoriented and unsure of how to function

Leave a comment

Filed under The Bench Boss