Monthly Archives: June 2011

Off-Season Plans for NHL Players

Well, now that the fires in Vancouver have been extinguished, it’s time for the NHL’s annual off-season to kick off.  This means you’ll be able to find many North American hockey players on the golf course relaxing with a few beverages, European players returning to their home country to be with family and to train, and all sorts of activities in between.  I mean lots of activities.  Luckily, we here at DKM were fortunate enough to get the scoop on what some players were looking forward to most in this coming off-season.  Follow the jump to see what these guys are getting up to.

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Canucks Fans Unable To Recall Single Aspect Of Season, Just Riots

After watching their team fall heartbreakingly short in the Stanley Cup Finals and then watching their city fall victim to unruly rioters, fans of the Vancouver Canucks say they are unable to recall even one aspect from the past hockey season; instead only remembering the horrific aftermath that followed the game 7 defeat. “We had a good season, right?” asked 40-year-old Walter Minley, a life-long Canucks fan and season ticket holder who attended every single Canucks home game this year. “I’m positive there were some incredible highlights and memorable moments but I just can’t seem to remember any. There had to be lots of players wearing Canucks jerseys scoring big goals and making big saves but none that stand out. The only people wearing Canucks jerseys whom I can remember now are those people who were smashing and lightning cars and fire, and breaking windows and stealing from stores.”

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Alex Burrows: “We Need to Bite More”

Following his team’s 4-0 loss in game 4 of the Stanley Cup Finals, Vancouver forward Alex Burrows told reporters that the team needs to bite more; something he feels they got away from in the two games in Boston. “Through the first-two games of the series we were really on our game. We were skating fast, hitting everything in sight and biting when we needed to,” said Burrows whose biting of Patrice Bergeron’s finger in game 1 has become an on-going storyline as the series has progressed. The Canucks took the first two games in front of the home crowd but things have changed dramatically after the Bruins outscored the Canucks by a combined score of 11-1 in games 3 and 4. Continue reading

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Vancouver Canucks vs Boston Bruins: Keys to the Matchup

Vancouver Canucks

  • Keep the belief that they are favoured by god and are destined to win just because they are a Canadian team and Canada hasn’t won the Cup in such a wong, wong time
  • With Marc Savard out of the lineup it will be interesting to see which Bruins player Raffi Torres will give a concussion
  • Ryan Kesler shouldn’t change anything about his game. So that means he needs to keep being a little cocksucker every time he is on the ice
  • Be sure not to wake Kevin Bieksa up from his on-going dream of playing like Bobby Orr
  • The girl who flashed Ben Eager in the Sharks series should be at every game in both cities; everyone loves a good titty

Boston Bruins

  • Milan Lucic and Nathan Horton should stop telling everyone how cute their matching “bash bros.” tattoos are
  • Mark Recchi’s experience in the 1991 Stanley Cup Finals has no bearing on this series, but the joke of how he was playing in the Cup finals while Tyler Seguin’s parents were conceiving him never gets old
  • Two Sedins vs. one Chara. Time for Zdeno’s twin brother Vojtech to emerge
  • Tim Thomas might not be as technically sound as Roberto Luongo, but aww’shucks he is such a swell guy
  • If victorious, act like smug assholes who think they own the sport just because they won one championship in a hundred years; just like Red Sox Fans

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