Category Archives: The Bench Boss

Canucks Fans Unable To Recall Single Aspect Of Season, Just Riots

After watching their team fall heartbreakingly short in the Stanley Cup Finals and then watching their city fall victim to unruly rioters, fans of the Vancouver Canucks say they are unable to recall even one aspect from the past hockey season; instead only remembering the horrific aftermath that followed the game 7 defeat. “We had a good season, right?” asked 40-year-old Walter Minley, a life-long Canucks fan and season ticket holder who attended every single Canucks home game this year. “I’m positive there were some incredible highlights and memorable moments but I just can’t seem to remember any. There had to be lots of players wearing Canucks jerseys scoring big goals and making big saves but none that stand out. The only people wearing Canucks jerseys whom I can remember now are those people who were smashing and lightning cars and fire, and breaking windows and stealing from stores.”

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Alex Burrows: “We Need to Bite More”

Following his team’s 4-0 loss in game 4 of the Stanley Cup Finals, Vancouver forward Alex Burrows told reporters that the team needs to bite more; something he feels they got away from in the two games in Boston. “Through the first-two games of the series we were really on our game. We were skating fast, hitting everything in sight and biting when we needed to,” said Burrows whose biting of Patrice Bergeron’s finger in game 1 has become an on-going storyline as the series has progressed. The Canucks took the first two games in front of the home crowd but things have changed dramatically after the Bruins outscored the Canucks by a combined score of 11-1 in games 3 and 4. Continue reading

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Vancouver Canucks vs Boston Bruins: Keys to the Matchup

Vancouver Canucks

  • Keep the belief that they are favoured by god and are destined to win just because they are a Canadian team and Canada hasn’t won the Cup in such a wong, wong time
  • With Marc Savard out of the lineup it will be interesting to see which Bruins player Raffi Torres will give a concussion
  • Ryan Kesler shouldn’t change anything about his game. So that means he needs to keep being a little cocksucker every time he is on the ice
  • Be sure not to wake Kevin Bieksa up from his on-going dream of playing like Bobby Orr
  • The girl who flashed Ben Eager in the Sharks series should be at every game in both cities; everyone loves a good titty

Boston Bruins

  • Milan Lucic and Nathan Horton should stop telling everyone how cute their matching “bash bros.” tattoos are
  • Mark Recchi’s experience in the 1991 Stanley Cup Finals has no bearing on this series, but the joke of how he was playing in the Cup finals while Tyler Seguin’s parents were conceiving him never gets old
  • Two Sedins vs. one Chara. Time for Zdeno’s twin brother Vojtech to emerge
  • Tim Thomas might not be as technically sound as Roberto Luongo, but aww’shucks he is such a swell guy
  • If victorious, act like smug assholes who think they own the sport just because they won one championship in a hundred years; just like Red Sox Fans

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Vancouver Canucks Say They Definitely Want To Play The Tampa Bay Lightning In Stanley Cup Finals

Luongo's reaction when asked which team he would rather face in Cup Finals

When asked who they would prefer to play in the next round, the team being confronted with the question usually takes the easy route and says that it doesn’t matter who they play because both teams are equally good. The Vancouver Canucks chose to answer the question differently saying that they absolutely hope to play the Tampa Bay Lightning in the Stanley Cup Finals which begins next Wednesday. Tampa faces the Boston Bruins tonight in game 7 of the Eastern Conference Finals and Canucks players will be watching and cheering for the upstart Lightning to come away with a victory. “Oh yeah we definitely are hoping that the Lightning can win tonight. We would much rather see them in the finals because they just don’t pose as many problems as the Bruins do,” said captain Henrik Sedin. “Boston has some big, tough forwards who love to play a physical, grinding game and then of course they have Chara on the back-end and he is just a nightmare to play against. And then there is a pretty big difference in net too.”  Continue reading

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Sight Of Spectacular Breasts Sends Ben Eager Into Maniacal Frenzy

While serving a penalty in game 2 of the Western Conference Finals between the San Jose Sharks and the Vancouver Canucks, Sharks forward Ben Eager was flashed by a female Canucks fans who exposed her breasts to the San Jose tough guy. The sight of the utterly spectacular jugs sent Eager into what can only be described as a maniacal frenzy as he went on to get several more costly penalties and play with a reckless style that bordered insanity. “How do you expect me to react to that? I saw a great pair of tits and pretty much just lost all focus. I went fucking nuts, there’s really nothing else I can say,” said Eager admitting he was more or less helpless against the amazing rack.  “I’d like to see you try and play a hockey game after seeing a set of knockers like that. Any warm-blooded hockey player knows that the one thing that sets us off the most is an unreal pair of funbags and as you can see these were just great fuckin’ cans.”

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Tyler Seguin Credits “Dickhead” Coach For Finally Putting Him In

In his first two career playoff games, Bruins rookie forward Tyler Seguin has scored three goals and added three assists, helping the Bruins split the first two two games of the Eastern Conference Finals. The 19-year-old was a healthy scratch for the Bruins first two playoff series and credits his dickhead coach Claude Julien for finally putting him in the lineup. “Shit I guess I just wasn’t good enough before. I must have just gotten this good over night,” Seguin sarcastically quipped. “I mean I was only the second-overall draft pick and all, but I guess guys like Shawn Thornton and Daniel Paille are better than me. Good call.”  Continue reading

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Patrick Marleau: “I’m Playing Good”

Still yet to record a single point through six games of action in the Western Conference Semi-Final series between the San Jose Sharks and the Detroit Red Wings, Sharks forward Patrick Marleau says that despite the heavy criticism he has been receiving; he believes that he has performed well in the series. “To tell you the truth I don’t really get what all the fuss is about. I’ve been very pleased with the way I have played in this series. Actually, I think I’m playing great,” said Marleau who scored five points in San Jose’s opening round victory over Los Angeles but hasn’t found the scoresheet in six games against Detroit. “I thought I was ok in the LA series but I’ve really started to find my legs as this series has gone on. The playoffs are a marathon not a sprint and I feel like I started slowly but now I’m really kicking it into high gear.” 

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