Tag Archives: boston bruins

Alex Burrows: “We Need to Bite More”

Following his team’s 4-0 loss in game 4 of the Stanley Cup Finals, Vancouver forward Alex Burrows told reporters that the team needs to bite more; something he feels they got away from in the two games in Boston. “Through the first-two games of the series we were really on our game. We were skating fast, hitting everything in sight and biting when we needed to,” said Burrows whose biting of Patrice Bergeron’s finger in game 1 has become an on-going storyline as the series has progressed. The Canucks took the first two games in front of the home crowd but things have changed dramatically after the Bruins outscored the Canucks by a combined score of 11-1 in games 3 and 4. Continue reading

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Vancouver Canucks vs Boston Bruins: Keys to the Matchup

Vancouver Canucks

  • Keep the belief that they are favoured by god and are destined to win just because they are a Canadian team and Canada hasn’t won the Cup in such a wong, wong time
  • With Marc Savard out of the lineup it will be interesting to see which Bruins player Raffi Torres will give a concussion
  • Ryan Kesler shouldn’t change anything about his game. So that means he needs to keep being a little cocksucker every time he is on the ice
  • Be sure not to wake Kevin Bieksa up from his on-going dream of playing like Bobby Orr
  • The girl who flashed Ben Eager in the Sharks series should be at every game in both cities; everyone loves a good titty

Boston Bruins

  • Milan Lucic and Nathan Horton should stop telling everyone how cute their matching “bash bros.” tattoos are
  • Mark Recchi’s experience in the 1991 Stanley Cup Finals has no bearing on this series, but the joke of how he was playing in the Cup finals while Tyler Seguin’s parents were conceiving him never gets old
  • Two Sedins vs. one Chara. Time for Zdeno’s twin brother Vojtech to emerge
  • Tim Thomas might not be as technically sound as Roberto Luongo, but aww’shucks he is such a swell guy
  • If victorious, act like smug assholes who think they own the sport just because they won one championship in a hundred years; just like Red Sox Fans

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Tyler Seguin Credits “Dickhead” Coach For Finally Putting Him In

In his first two career playoff games, Bruins rookie forward Tyler Seguin has scored three goals and added three assists, helping the Bruins split the first two two games of the Eastern Conference Finals. The 19-year-old was a healthy scratch for the Bruins first two playoff series and credits his dickhead coach Claude Julien for finally putting him in the lineup. “Shit I guess I just wasn’t good enough before. I must have just gotten this good over night,” Seguin sarcastically quipped. “I mean I was only the second-overall draft pick and all, but I guess guys like Shawn Thornton and Daniel Paille are better than me. Good call.”  Continue reading

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Richard Park’s Conference Semi-Final Predictions

 

Back by popular demand long-time DKM contributor Richard Park has once again taken his time to weigh in on the Stanley Cup Playoffs with his second-round playoff predictions. Although Richard spent the past season playing in Switzerland, the end of his season meant that he could return home and enjoy some NHL playoff action and after a hotly contested round 1, here is who he likes to move on to the conference finals:

(1) Vancouver vs. (5) Nashville

Orrr roww it is so gleat to be back pledicting these exciting NHL prayoffs! I pray in Switzerand this year but I stirr vely much rove NHL hockey. Vancouvel finarry defeated their rong time rivars Chicago Brackhawks and now rook to be vely vely hungly. They are arways smiring and praying loose styre of hockey and now that Ruongo shake off his Brackhawk brues they most definitery have an advantage. Big giant Rinne is rike dinosaurrr in net for the Pledators but he cannot stop the jorry twins Danier and Henlik.  Vanouver in 5

(2) San Jose vs. (3) Detroit

This is rematch of rast years series when the Shawwks beat the Led Wings in 5 games. This going to be a vely vely crose series and is vely hawwwd to call. Home ice advantage will be big key for Shawwwks but they must be carefur for Paver Datsyuk. He is one of the vely best prayers in the league and is arways rooking for rots and rots of goars. Dougrass Murray must try his vely hawwwwwwwwwwwwwwdest to stop him. He rooks rike a giant neanderthar man from such a rong time ago. Sharks in 7 Continue reading

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Boston vs Montreal: Keys to the Matchup

Boston:

  • Utilize their size advantage by bullying the Montreal players and making up mean rumours about them
  • Try to get out to a 3-0 series lead; the safest lead in hockey
  • Tim Thomas moved way too fast last time. He should wait to see if Carey will ask him to the dance this time
  • Time for Zdeno Chara to bring out his secret weapon: smashing people into random pieces of glass that stick out unexpectedly

Montreal:

  • Montreal’s small forwards should mix things up by hiding on the ice and crawling between the Bruins legs
  • Keep the Montreal fans into the game but not getting beat up so much
  • Tomas Plekanec take off that fucking turtleneck
  • If racing toward the puck with Zdeno Chara just slowly back up and kindly say “here you you go big fella, you can have it”

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Boston Bruins Laugh At Thought Of Retaliation By Montreal

Following the morning skate in preparation of tonight’s highly anticipated game against the Montreal Canadiens, Bruins players laughed hysterically when asked repeatedly if they expected retaliation from the Habs following Zdeno Chara’s hit on Max Pacioretty in the last meeting between the two teams. Pacioretty suffered a severe concussion and a broken vertebrae when he was checked by Chara into the glass stanchion that seperates the benches, leaving many to wonder if the Habs will seek revenge in the return match tonight in Boston; something Bruins players simply could not hold back their laughter at the thought of. “Are you serious? No, like really, you must be joking, right?” an utterly confused Milan Lucic replied when asked how he thought the Habs might retaliate. “What are they gonna do, and more importantly, who is gonna do it? Gionta? Gomez? Plekanec? If I see one of those trolls even come near me I will pick them up and throw each of them right out of the arena. And thats if I’m in a good mood.” Continue reading

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Richard Park’s Playoff Predictions- Eastern Conference Semi-Finals

 

4. Pittsburgh vs. 8. Montreal

How did Montrear do it? They knocked off the mighty Capitars!, so vely unberievable! Now they must pray the defending Stanrey Cup Champion Pittsburrrgh Pengrins. I don’t think Montrear can win this time but they will defintery try their vely hawwwwwdest.  In the end, Sid Closby and Evgeni Markin will score too many goars  on Harak and the dream season will be arr ovel.  Pens in 6

6. Boston vs. 7. Philadelphia

Boston Bluins against Phiraderphia Fryers, such a vely ord time matchup!! Two rong time rivars who don’t rike each othel vely much and don’t care arot for smiring. Bruins and Fryers both pulled the mighty upsets in round one and now they meet each othel when they arr praying their best hockey of the season, and smiring the hawwwwwwwwdest. I pick the Bluins to win because they have the giant Charrrrra. He is like giant Mothra man from movie I watch rast night. He breath heavy fire out his nose, but he is still such a vely vely nice gentre man, arways skating and smiring.   Bruins in 5

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