Tag Archives: Stanley Cup Finals

Alex Burrows: “We Need to Bite More”

Following his team’s 4-0 loss in game 4 of the Stanley Cup Finals, Vancouver forward Alex Burrows told reporters that the team needs to bite more; something he feels they got away from in the two games in Boston. “Through the first-two games of the series we were really on our game. We were skating fast, hitting everything in sight and biting when we needed to,” said Burrows whose biting of Patrice Bergeron’s finger in game 1 has become an on-going storyline as the series has progressed. The Canucks took the first two games in front of the home crowd but things have changed dramatically after the Bruins outscored the Canucks by a combined score of 11-1 in games 3 and 4. Continue reading

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Vancouver Canucks vs Boston Bruins: Keys to the Matchup

Vancouver Canucks

  • Keep the belief that they are favoured by god and are destined to win just because they are a Canadian team and Canada hasn’t won the Cup in such a wong, wong time
  • With Marc Savard out of the lineup it will be interesting to see which Bruins player Raffi Torres will give a concussion
  • Ryan Kesler shouldn’t change anything about his game. So that means he needs to keep being a little cocksucker every time he is on the ice
  • Be sure not to wake Kevin Bieksa up from his on-going dream of playing like Bobby Orr
  • The girl who flashed Ben Eager in the Sharks series should be at every game in both cities; everyone loves a good titty

Boston Bruins

  • Milan Lucic and Nathan Horton should stop telling everyone how cute their matching “bash bros.” tattoos are
  • Mark Recchi’s experience in the 1991 Stanley Cup Finals has no bearing on this series, but the joke of how he was playing in the Cup finals while Tyler Seguin’s parents were conceiving him never gets old
  • Two Sedins vs. one Chara. Time for Zdeno’s twin brother Vojtech to emerge
  • Tim Thomas might not be as technically sound as Roberto Luongo, but aww’shucks he is such a swell guy
  • If victorious, act like smug assholes who think they own the sport just because they won one championship in a hundred years; just like Red Sox Fans

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Sure Chris Pronger Donated Millions To Charity, But He Is Still Mean For Stealing Those Pucks

What would this young fan think if she learned that her hero was a puck stealer?

Despite recently donating 4 million dollars of his contract to a Philadelphia SickKids Hospital, Flyers defenceman Chris Pronger continues to be looked at as a villain because of the game pucks he stole at the conclusion of games 1 and 2 of the Stanley Cup Finals. “How dare he take those pucks,” said Blackhawks fan James Hoover. “Those were two hard fought wins for the Hawks and they deserved to savour the victories with a nice souvenir. Chris Pronger has no class at all, and if you ask me, he’s a real piece of crap.” Continue reading

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Patrick Kane’s Mullet Guarantees Series Victory

The Mullet: "We Will Win"

Much like Mark Messier’s guaranteed victory over the New Jersey Devils in game 6 of the 1994 Eastern Conference Finals, Patrick Kane’s Mullet added another chapter to the book of bold predictions by guaranteeing that his Chicago Blackhawks will defeat the Flyers and capture the franchise’s first Stanley Cup since 1961. “We’re gonna win. Write it down, stamp it, send it to the Flyers dressing room, I don’t care what you do. Thats just how confident I am,” said the Mullet, as it flowed down the back of Hawks sniper Patrick Kane’s head. Continue reading

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Stanley Cup Finals: Keys to the Matchup

Chicago Blackhawks:

  • Make sure to get a lot of shots on Flyers goalie Michael Leighton because he probably isn’t really any good
  • Gain the supprt of the southern States by showing them pictures of Patrick Kane’s mullet
  • Try to ignore the fact that Marian Hossa has been on the losing team in two straight Stanley Cup Finals
  • Playoff mustache’s are cool, but not on Joel Quenneville
  • Trick one of the Flyers players into picking up Patrick Kane in a Taxi
  • Since they haven’t won a Cup since 1961, they should probably try really hard to win this time

 

Philadelphia Flyers

  • Make sure to get a lot of shots on Hawks goalie Antti Niemi because he probably isn’t really any good
  • Don’t let Dustin Byfuglien get close to the net because he can dunk
  • Chris Pronger seems to be pretty good so they should put him out a lot
  • Have Flyers legend Bobby Clarke give a two hour demonstration on slashing, spearing, cross-checking, elbowing, checking from behind, butt-ending, kicking, and head-butting
  • Either way, try to get the series over fast so that no one has to see Scott Hartnell anymore
  • If the team happens to lose, just do what any good Philadelphian does; blame Donovan Mcnabb

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Pittsburgh Penguins: 2008-2009 Stanley Cup Champions

Soak it up Sidney

Soak it up Sidney

It is with great honour that I congratulate this years Stanley Cup Champions, the Pittsburgh Penguins!!!!! Nothing could be sweeter for me to write this especially when it was at the disposal of my most hated team in professional sports (even more hated than the Boston Red Sox) the Detroit Red Wings. I have never felt a more satisfying feeling than when I saw Sidney Crosby lift that beautiful trophy in front of the most revolting fan base in hockey. Continue reading

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The Swedish Wings

hockey-detroit-red-wings-swedish-eight

A nice little post by the Offensive Defencemen, and while we are on the topic of citing reasons for disliking Detroit, I am going to take it a step further.

Aside from the obvious one, being their fans, there is really only one reason I hate the Wings so much. Its the fact that pretty much their entire team consists of Europeans, (all of the players that are relevant anyways) let’s face it, their best North American player is who? Dan Cleary maybe? Check out this list of North American players– Osgood, Cleary, Lebda, Maltby, Draper, Helm, Chelios, Abdelkader, Rafalski, Stuart. Now look at the Europeans– Datsyuk, Zetterberg, Lidstrom, Holmstrom, Hossa, Franzen, Hudler, Kronwall, Samuelsson, Ericsson, Filpulla, Kopecky, Leino. Hmmmm I don’t think it takes a rocket scientist to figure out who the prominent players on the Wings are between those two lists. The Europeans make Detroit go, and anything they get out of the North American players is just a nice added bonus. Continue reading

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