Tag Archives: Toronto Maple Leafs

Toronto Maple Leafs Wrap Up Another Successful Fantasy Hockey Season

Despite their inability to make the playoffs for the sixth consecutive season, the Toronto Maple Leafs are estatic about their contributions to this season’s fantasy hockey. While their performance might not have been good enough as a team to earn a trip to the post-season, there were a handful of Leafs players that helped fantasy managers throughout the year. Surprising statistical seasons from the likes of Clarke MacArthur, Mikhail Grabovski, Nikolai Kulemin and James Reimer meant that there were a number of players that remained relevant to fantasy-goers throughout the season; something that Toronto fans everywhere should take solace in. General Manager Brian Burke issued a statement to Leafs Nation thanking the fans for supporting the team through what he described was another successful fantasy season:

“On behalf of our players and management, I would just like to thank the fans for helping to guide us through another outstanding season in the world of make-believe, statistic-driven hockey. As an organization we feel we did everything we could to assist all of the fantasy managers out there. From Grabvoski’s tremendous all-around performance in every fantasy category, to Reimer’s back-stopping of several eventual league champions, it was truly an amazing season for our team. Thank you for your continued support and we hope to see you next year as the Toronto Maple Leafs embark on what should be yet another memorable and exciting fantasy hockey season.”

Yours Truly,

Brian Burke

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Dion Phaneuf Channels Martin Short

As you would probably expect, we here at DKM get swamped with loads and loads of fan-mail from avid readers offering up their thoughts and ideas. This one comes from Peter O’Sullivan who shared the following picture which depicts the similarities between Leafs captain Dion Phaneuf and funny man Martin Short.

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Current Montreal Team Shitting on 100 Years of Excellence

Even Viggo Mortensen can't be happy with this team

On the heels of the storied franchise’s 100th anniversary celebration, the current edition of the Montreal Canadiens is simply taking a big, steamy shit on 100 years of success. Continue reading

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Ken Holland: “I Did This On Purpose”

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After a surprisingly slow to their season which has seen the Detroit Red Wings win just 7 of their 15 games, general manager Ken Holland has admitted to purposely decreasing the teams talent level and instilling a losing atmosphere. Continue reading

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Lee Stempniak Wonders Why No One Else Is Pouring Champagne

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Moments after the Toronto Maple Leafs 6-3 victory over the Anaheim Ducks, Leafs forward Lee Stempniak could be seen grabbing several bottles of champagne from his locker and spraying them over his head and the heads of his unsuspecting teammates. “I’ve had those babies in my locker for a while now and they are aged to perfection so why not?” said Stempniak as he poured a full bottle on a suit wearing Tomas Kaberle. “I figure that this is probably gonna be the biggest win we have all year and I saw how much fun it looked for the Yankees last night, so I wanted to get the same thing going up in here. I’ve got my rain-proof poncho, my swim goggles and I’m ready to keep this party going all night long baby WOOHOO!”

“I have no idea whats gotten into Stemper. We’re glad we finally got the monkey off our back and everything but he’s really going crazy with it”, said Leafs defencemen Mike Komisarek as he tried to fend off the ambushing Stempniak. Moments later Stempniak could be heard shouting “We did it man, we did It!” as he poured the bubbly beverage into the face of goaltender Jonas Gustavsson. The Leafs goalie could later be seen screaming in pain because of some champagne that got into his eyes, while a visibly upset Brian Burke left the arena soaking wet.

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Brian Burke is a Racist

As the Toronto Maple Leafs continue to dig a deep hole to open their season, DKM has stumbled across some disturbing news involving Leafs General Manager Brian Burke.  I’ve done a little homework on the facts, and it looks like Burkie harbours a genuine aversion towards natives of South Korea.  Case in point: he refuses to trade for coveted forward Richard Park, currently playing for the New York Islanders.

Richard Park smiling; Brian Burke would not approve

Richard Park smiling; Brian Burke would not approve

Sure, you might say that you can’t just go out trading for any given player on any given day, which has some merit.  However, let’s consider that Park has played in the NHL since the 1994/95 season.  Brian Burke has been a GM off-and-on since the 1992/93 season (with Hartford).  Over all of these years, Burkie couldn’t find a place for Park on his roster even ONCE??  Seems a little fishy to me.  Adding to this whole feeling of ill-placed malice, we see that Park joined the Vancouver Canucks one season AFTER Burke was let go by the team.  This is solid evidence that Canucks’ management thought highly of Park, but one man’s bigotry stood in the way of finding Richard a good home.  With Vancouver’s significant Asian population, it’s surprising that Burke took that job in the first place.  Let’s take a look at the other Korean-born player in NHL history: Jim Paek.  In five NHL seasons, he never found his way onto a Brian Burke squad.  Coincidence?  Before you read this article, maybe.  Now, you know it’s not mere coincidence.  When Burke’s Ducks captured the Stanley Cup in 2006/07, the Burke-inspired team motto was, according to insider reports, “Win it so the Koreans can’t.”  It’s ironic that the one player whose name and face is probably best associated with the Ducks franchise, Paul Kariya, was not on that Cup-winning squad.  Why?  Just say Kariya’s last name out loud, and you’ll have your answer.

Brian Burke (left), pictured with all of his Korean friends

Brian Burke (left), pictured with all of his Korean friends

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We’re Back Baby

She is excited for opening night, are you?

She is excited for opening night, are you?

Tonight’s the night night
Let’s live it up
I got my money
Let’s spend it up
Go out and smash it
Like Oh My God
Jump off that sofa
Let’s get get OFF

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