Tag Archives: Vancouver Canucks

Alex Burrows: “We Need to Bite More”

Following his team’s 4-0 loss in game 4 of the Stanley Cup Finals, Vancouver forward Alex Burrows told reporters that the team needs to bite more; something he feels they got away from in the two games in Boston. “Through the first-two games of the series we were really on our game. We were skating fast, hitting everything in sight and biting when we needed to,” said Burrows whose biting of Patrice Bergeron’s finger in game 1 has become an on-going storyline as the series has progressed. The Canucks took the first two games in front of the home crowd but things have changed dramatically after the Bruins outscored the Canucks by a combined score of 11-1 in games 3 and 4. Continue reading

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Vancouver Canucks vs Boston Bruins: Keys to the Matchup

Vancouver Canucks

  • Keep the belief that they are favoured by god and are destined to win just because they are a Canadian team and Canada hasn’t won the Cup in such a wong, wong time
  • With Marc Savard out of the lineup it will be interesting to see which Bruins player Raffi Torres will give a concussion
  • Ryan Kesler shouldn’t change anything about his game. So that means he needs to keep being a little cocksucker every time he is on the ice
  • Be sure not to wake Kevin Bieksa up from his on-going dream of playing like Bobby Orr
  • The girl who flashed Ben Eager in the Sharks series should be at every game in both cities; everyone loves a good titty

Boston Bruins

  • Milan Lucic and Nathan Horton should stop telling everyone how cute their matching “bash bros.” tattoos are
  • Mark Recchi’s experience in the 1991 Stanley Cup Finals has no bearing on this series, but the joke of how he was playing in the Cup finals while Tyler Seguin’s parents were conceiving him never gets old
  • Two Sedins vs. one Chara. Time for Zdeno’s twin brother Vojtech to emerge
  • Tim Thomas might not be as technically sound as Roberto Luongo, but aww’shucks he is such a swell guy
  • If victorious, act like smug assholes who think they own the sport just because they won one championship in a hundred years; just like Red Sox Fans

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Vancouver Canucks Say They Definitely Want To Play The Tampa Bay Lightning In Stanley Cup Finals

Luongo's reaction when asked which team he would rather face in Cup Finals

When asked who they would prefer to play in the next round, the team being confronted with the question usually takes the easy route and says that it doesn’t matter who they play because both teams are equally good. The Vancouver Canucks chose to answer the question differently saying that they absolutely hope to play the Tampa Bay Lightning in the Stanley Cup Finals which begins next Wednesday. Tampa faces the Boston Bruins tonight in game 7 of the Eastern Conference Finals and Canucks players will be watching and cheering for the upstart Lightning to come away with a victory. “Oh yeah we definitely are hoping that the Lightning can win tonight. We would much rather see them in the finals because they just don’t pose as many problems as the Bruins do,” said captain Henrik Sedin. “Boston has some big, tough forwards who love to play a physical, grinding game and then of course they have Chara on the back-end and he is just a nightmare to play against. And then there is a pretty big difference in net too.”  Continue reading

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Sight Of Spectacular Breasts Sends Ben Eager Into Maniacal Frenzy

While serving a penalty in game 2 of the Western Conference Finals between the San Jose Sharks and the Vancouver Canucks, Sharks forward Ben Eager was flashed by a female Canucks fans who exposed her breasts to the San Jose tough guy. The sight of the utterly spectacular jugs sent Eager into what can only be described as a maniacal frenzy as he went on to get several more costly penalties and play with a reckless style that bordered insanity. “How do you expect me to react to that? I saw a great pair of tits and pretty much just lost all focus. I went fucking nuts, there’s really nothing else I can say,” said Eager admitting he was more or less helpless against the amazing rack.  “I’d like to see you try and play a hockey game after seeing a set of knockers like that. Any warm-blooded hockey player knows that the one thing that sets us off the most is an unreal pair of funbags and as you can see these were just great fuckin’ cans.”

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Roberto Luongo and Pekka Rinne Taking Goaltending Duel A Little Too Seriously

In the goaltending battle between two Vezina Trophy candidates, Roberto Luongo and Pekka Rinne seem to be taking their match-up a little too seriously. With only a combined four goals scored through the first two games of the Western Conference semi-final series between the Vancouver Canucks and the Nashville Predators, the team’s respective star goalies have been seen and heard challenging the other to on-ice duels. “During  a tv break early in game 1, I was skating to the bench and I see Luongo making these weird gestures toward me,” said Rinne. “As we came closer together I could hear him throwing down the gauntlet and said ‘I challenge you to a duel’ flashing his blocker to me as if it were a gun. I responded by swiping my trapper through the air. At that point it was on, totally on.” Continue reading

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Vancouver vs Chicago: Keys to the Matchup

Vancouver:

  • Limit Roberto Luongo’s crying in post-game interviews because that probably means you won
  • Make sure that the Sedin’s are the only ones that are ever allowed to have the puck
  • Chicago limped into the playoffs so try and get them to limp out as well
  • Take advantage of home-ice advantage by using it to their advantage

Chicago:

  • Maybe no one will notice if Dustin Byfuglien plays
  • Alex Burrows is annoying. Try and kill him
  • Play the same song after every goal you score. Opposing teams hate that
  • Patrick Kane is an exceptionally skilled player. He is also exceptional at being a cocky dickface

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Canucks Players Off To Rocky Start With Lapierre

Newly acquired Canucks forward Maxim Lapierre has been known as one of the league’s biggest pests so it should be to no one’s surprise that he had his fair share of run-ins with his new teammates. DKM asked some Canucks players to talk about their past experiences with Lapierre and as you will see, it might not be all that easy to forgive and forget:

Henrik Sedin: I was lined up at a faceoff with him this one night in Montreal and he starts going at me. I don’t remember exactly what he said but it was something along the lines that I should go give my brother a panty job and an old fashioned, whatever those are.

Roberto Luongo: There was a big scrum in the crease and he ended up being pushed on top of me. He must have been there for a good 20 seconds and the whole time he was digging in at my junk and saying “you like that Lu, you like that? Yeah you fucking like that don’t you Lu.” I said no I don’t like that and then he whispered to me his cell phone number. Awkward.

Kevin Bieksa: Asked me from the bench where the best food and night-life in the city is, but I was never able to tell him. Now that he is on my team I will be able to tell him and maybe even take him to see for himself…so that is good atleast.

Alex Burrows: Every time we play it gets pretty nasty between us. I mean neither holds anything back. I gave him a pretty good little butt-end one time to which he responded by saying that after the game he would get even by fucking my girlfriend, sister, mom, dad, grandma, and grandpa with the biggest black dildo he could find.

Alain Vigneault: H’after he got a four-minute double-minor, Hi’ laughed h’at him and said good job costing your team da’ game you h’idiot.

Daniel Sedin: Told me I was gonna get the best panty job and old fashioned I’ve ever had after the game.

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